A Very Personal Piece

I first wrote this piece 3 months ago…for some reason I haven’t been able to publish it until now. October is actually a month to raise awareness about the topic I touch upon below so perhaps I was simply waiting for the right time. A part of me feels like keeping this close to my heart and pretending everything is ok, when it isn’t. Two very close people to me have given me the courage to share my thoughts and in so doing, helping me let go of some of the pain. Not all of it, that will never happen but I will take what I can get.

There is no right way to start a piece on an aching heart.  There is no right way to be eloquent about it.  In part because the pain is never far away, in part because it is so personal…but my experience with it has clearly shown that we must speak openly.  And in my own small way this is my contribution.  It is also my personal story which means that someone who has gone through a similar experience may have completely different thoughts and feelings to me.  My intention is not to hurt or offend anyone, I am simply speaking from my own truth.

Growing up we are led to believe that certain rites of passage are supposed to happen quite naturally…we are led to believe that it’s easy.  The joy of becoming pregnant is one such thing but in January I suffered a miscarriage.  Though it has gone almost 6 months (9 months as of publishing) from that heart-breaking experience, every month since that time is a brutal reminder of hopes and dreams dashed to the point where I feel a small part of me dies forever… and it’s one of the loneliest feelings in the world.  It’s lonely because it’s not spoken about, it’s lonely because even if you’re in a loving partnership with someone it’s still you and your body going through it.  I make no distinction between man or woman in this case since women who have been spared this experience will never truly understand either.  I see it in the closest people around me…they just don’t know and so it becomes too easy for them to say the words those of us who have been through it have a really hard time hearing: “it’ll be ok, you got pregnant once”, “at least you know you can get pregnant”, “it’ll happen when the time is right”.  This is not an attack on those who say these things…I know these words come from a place of love and concern but they hurt nonetheless and mean little to me.  I probably would have said the same things myself.

Writing this is proving harder than I thought and the tears come unbegged…but I feel I need to write it for myself and for all those yearning for a little one to love and hold.  I still consider myself lucky for only having experienced one miscarriage but it’s still one too many.  Both physically and emotionally it is one of the most gruelling journeys I have ever unwillingly made and the emotional aftermath still lingers.  I’m still picking up pieces of myself from January.  Below are some of the thoughts and feelings that I know many of us carry within.  Good or bad, it is what it is:

Bitterness – when I miscarried my sister was in her second trimester.  For two weeks I couldn’t talk to her.  I couldn’t bear the thought of seeing her pregnant form, of hearing how tired she was, how heavy she was feeling…in my world she should be happy to be feeling those things!  It broke my heart distancing myself from my beloved sister whom I love so fiercely but I knew that if I didn’t the bitterness would consume me.  I did what I had to do to protect myself and my sistership from going to a place where I would have regretted many things.  Such are the strong irrational feelings brought on by a miscarriage.  I wanted so much to continue being happy for her but there was no room for it in my heart.  Needless to say there was a fair amount of self-pitying going on.  I’m still finding it hard to strike an emotional balance when I hear about friends who are pregnant…I’d be lying if I said there isn’t an angel vs demon aspect to it.  It is what it is.

Unkindness – to myself.  My biggest challenge in getting through each month emotionally unscathed is being kind and loving to myself.  Can someone drench me in Lotus Wei Infinite Love, please?  And I know I must be.  There is no other way forward.  I must choose to love myself, my body, my uterus but there are days during the month when all I can feel is hate and despair.  Add to that some blame and we have a lovely cocktail going on.  None of it serves me but if I don’t allow myself to feel these demons I know there will only be more pent-up negativity and blockage.  I haven’t found a way that works yet…some months are harder than others but there is always sadness shadowing me.  In my worst moments I want nothing more than to simply disappear and let the deep sadness and loss consume me.

Loneliness – as mentioned above it’s a lonely experience, even when you speak with those who have gone through it.  My fiancé has urged me to see someone after seeing me break down month after month…I still haven’t made up my mind about it.  What was most shocking to me in this whole experience was realising that you don’t get any help, advice or support from the people who must meet countless of us.  I was scheduled to see my midwife the same week the miscarriage happened and was told to simply cancel our appointment…I mean, no point meeting me if I wasn’t pregnant right?  There is still very much bitterness attached to that part of the experience and even if miscarriages happen way more than people realise (in fact, did you know that there’s only a 25% chance to get pregnant each month even for those who don’t have complications?  And that 50% of pregnancies may result in miscarriage with many not even knowing they were pregnant in the first place?  Where were these facts in biology class growing up?) the pain, heartbreak and emotional damage is no less there and it’s no less heart wrenching.  Even if my body has bounced back I can’t say the same about my emotional well-being.

Despair – 6 months is both short and long.  Short in terms of physically trying to conceive again after a miscarriage but long in terms of where my head is at.  For each month that goes by some more hope dies, you can’t help feeling like you’re failing and a part of me thinks this is how it will be.  I will be childless.  I’ve been a good girl and avoided the typical things one should avoid (alcohol, caffeine, sugar etc) even after the miscarriage.  When that wasn’t helping I went back to eating and drinking whatever I liked because hey, I wasn’t being careful about it the first time when we weren’t even trying.  And I got sick and tired of living my life in a what-if state.  I do believe it’s a healthier way to go about it and if I have a glass of wine too many some days then so be it.  Perhaps it’s me giving up…either way, not knowing what is going on is the most frustrating place to be at. The silver lining is knowing that I will have a happy life with my amazing fiancé regardless of what the future holds.

There is so much more I could write about this topic and there is so much more that needs to be done for those of us who have suffered miscarriages and for whom becoming pregnant isn’t as easy, not least in the emotional department.  The experience has forever changed me and my heart goes out to all those trying to conceive.  My journey has been short so far,  I know there are many who have tried for years and years and I deeply respect and admire your strength to keep moving forward.  This post is for all you mamas – I share in your heartbreak, your pain, your emotions, your tears, your loneliness and your hopes.

Let there be more dialogue about miscarriage, about the challenges of conceiving.  Let’s teach our young women about the facts so that they don’t arrive and stand there not knowing what hit them.  For those wondering what they should say to a friend/sister/daughter/mother who goes through the loss of an unborn child and/or faces challenges in getting pregnant…hold space for us.  There is no need for your well-intentioned comments and questions that, although said with the best of intentions, land flatly in our hearts.  Just hold space and listen when we need to talk through feelings that sometimes make no sense, but are helping to heal our way forward in ways we only know how.

24 comments

  1. And The Color Green says:

    As you said, no use in words. I work as a nurse and I learned a long time ago to be quiet. I did cry with you for the baby you lost as I read this. I will send you some Aloha in my prayers and wish for you a long walk in nature and a relaxing mermaid mask and yes a shower in infinite love is a good idea. hugs

    • caprinic says:

      Marie, thank you so much for your love and support. Today I felt strong which is probably why I hit the publish button but there is still so much sadness tied to what was and could have been…I appreciate your kind thoughts and silence can indeed be golden at times. Thank you. Xxx

  2. velgeorge says:

    Your piece brought tears to my eyes. I had a miscarriage many years ago, and only one month ago my daughter lost her daughter at six months. I watch her many days doing the every day things and I know her struggle. During the ordeal family and loveones are there but the AFTER is like a second death toll. Only its a silent darkness shrouded and engulfing in its intensity. Life is a journey with many twist and turns and I have come to realise we have to learn to endure. Putting one foot infront the other one step at a time, one day at a time.

  3. maisonpur says:

    You are so courageous to share your pain and your experience. My heart hurts for you and for all women who have gone through this. Your pain is so real, but I know it’s often dismissed by others who don’t fully understand what it may be like to go through a miscarriage and the hurt and frustration of never getting to meet the little life that was inside of you. Thank you for helping to open all of our eyes to this. Sending you love and prayers of comfort and peace. xoxox

    • caprinic says:

      Thank you so much for your words of love and encouragement Molly, they land softly in my heart. It’s been a tough time and continues to be so but I also keep reminding myself that I have much to be grateful for already. Helps me keep perspective. Sending you a big hug❤️

  4. Sarita Coren says:

    Dearest Nic, my heart goes to you for this courageous and loving piece. I know how much it took from you to write it and to reveal your pain. At the same time, it is so clear that you did it in order to support and join women who are struggling through the same pain. You are right. There are no words in the universe that could ever comfort such pain, yet I do hope that in writing this poignant and compassionately written post that some of the burden has seeped out with it. Sending you so much love and honor and a big hug too. You’re simply amazing, Nic. <3

    • caprinic says:

      Thank you Sarita for your words, your support, your love and unwavering confidence in me. It did take a lot writing it and then it took some more posting it but I’m glad I did. My shoulders definitely feel lighter and for that I am grateful. All the messages have touched, especially those who have been there and it makes me happy that they feel they can share❤️sending you so much love and gratitude. YOU are amazing Sarita. Xx

  5. Jana says:

    My dear sweet Nicole. This brought tears to my eyes and again, I’m so very sorry to hear you have to go through this. You know I’m keeping you in my thoughts and in my heart and I wish you only the best<3<3 Now I'm gonna go and draw one of those cards for you 🙂 xxx

    • caprinic says:

      My sweetest Jana, thank you for being there, for listening, for your support and love. It’s meant the world to me, truly. Lots of love to you. Xx

  6. lalunnaturals says:

    Just to let you know that I hear you and that I am listening. Thank you for delving beyond your pain to share your journey with us. Many, myself included, will recognize the heartache you’ve experienced. I’ve learned to honor the tear and accept that it will remain with me always. Sending you a warm cloak of love and compassion. Surround yourself with it.

    • caprinic says:

      Thank you so much for the warm cloak, I have it wrapped around me. This post was as much for myself as was for those who have been there, are there yet don’t feel safe enough to share. I hope there will be a lot more dialogue around this topic going forward and I’m already planning on penning some more posts that touch upon different aspects of it. Sending you much love back. Xx

  7. Stefania says:

    Grazie Nic di aver dato parole a questo,un dolore e una esperienza comune a molte donne,me come te anche se madre di tre figli…..e quel dolore è ancora con me e lo sarà sempre….comprendo e riconosco questo e con amore ti ringrazio anima forte e sensibile tutto ciò è quì per insegnare a noi,fondamentale per il nostro percorso,fai buon uso di tutto questo,con affetto Stefania

    • caprinic says:

      Dear Stefania, thank you so much for your message of warmth and encouragement. It means a lot, especially when others have been through the same thing and can relate to the pain and heartbreak. There does need to be more dialogue about this topic and I hope that more and more women feel the courage and strength to speak out. xx

  8. Leangreenlauren says:

    Thank you so much for sharing, and I’m so sorry for your loss. You have very thoughtfully commented on my Instagram posts in which I touched on our struggles with infertility. After that, we once again got the joyous news that we were expecting, only to once again learn that I had miscarried. Still in the process of miscarrying, actually. You captured the range of emotions and struggles exactly. I very much appreciate that you were willing to share, because this is an incredibly lonely time. It helps to share with and lean on others who understand. Thanks for virtually lending a shoulder to cry on. xxoo

    • caprinic says:

      Dear Lauren, I’m so very sorry you are going through this again. My heart aches for you…if you ever need to just talk or send a stream of consciousness about how you’re feeling then you’re more than welcome to email me. Sometimes it helps to just put it out there knowing someone is reading and supporting you. There truly are no words as we both know but I am happy that you found my post and found comfort in it. You’re not alone even though I completely know how lonely it feels. Sending you a big hug of compassion and understanding and again, you’re always welcome to reach out to me. Take care of yourself, your body and your heart❤️Be gentle.

  9. Bernadette Judd says:

    Hey girl. I am helping a few of my friends with natural ways of getting the body healed and ready for pregnancy after a ‘miss’ and stumbled across your blog. This is achingly beautiful and although I have not been through it and hope I never do, when I heard a few of my friends all had at the same time, my stomach dropped. I didn’t know what to say to them so I just prayed. They are both able to talk about it now but you are right, only those who have been through it will know. I hope you find peace and comfort and I pray you come to deliver a healthy happy baby someday soon.

    • caprinic says:

      Hi Bernadette, thank you so much for reading and for leaving such a thoughtful comment. It is hard to know what to say when you hear of women having gone through this, I see it in the people around me and that’s not strange. I’m just trying to help create more awareness about the thoughts and feelings that can be felt and the feedback from all walks of life has been tremendous. Thank you for your warm wishes and we’ll see what life has in store for us. xx

  10. scenthive says:

    You are very brave and compassionate to share your story like this. When I went through my miscarriage many years ago, I hardly told anyone about it. It was too painful to talk about. It wasn’t until a year later when my husband and I did a ritual together, lighting a candle and saying goodbye to the baby we lost, that I fully let myself grieve and let go. It was very difficult, powerful and liberating. Interestingly, it was a month later that I got pregnant again.

    As a midwife, my heart goes out to you that you did not get an appointment to discuss your feelings about what happened or how your body was doing/feeling. And as a woman who has been through this, I hope that the fact you are allowing yourself to go through these emotions means that you will come out of this stronger. I will send you healing thoughts that this is the case.

    Much love, Trish

    • caprinic says:

      Hi Trish, thank you for leaving such a heartfelt comment, it means a lot. I’m also so sorry to hear that you know what it feels like…it is painful to talk about and then there are times when you feel that people don’t really want to be drawn into a conversation about it. So weird in a way because it’s natural, it seems to happen to too many of us and yet it’s topic that seems somewhat taboo.
      I think having a ritual like you did is also a very kind and loving thing to do…something I may do as well to fully and truly let go. This piece was only a small part of it. Thank you again for your love and support. xxx

  11. Sara machlis says:

    Oh nic! This is awful that you had to go through this, I can’t even imagine the pain, while newly pregnant and scared of miscarrying, all I can think of was the pain of women who do go through that. So don’t let ANYONE tell you it’s nothing worse than awful!! I’m not qualified to even write a response, I just wanted to tell you I truly believe therapy is a gift, and if you aren’t already seeing a therapist, I believe it is a must after going through such pain! You’re writing was so eloquent, and your words reached out, and enlightened me in the challenges that I’m going through – how we have to let ourself “feel” pain to truly heal. so thank you thank you for being brave and writing this, and please please reach out for someone to help you heal!! To much healing and contentment every day – you are enough even without a child, it is not your fault, god loves you even if this happened, you are obviously a beautiful good person, love yourself nic and try to be your own loving mother to yourself when you have those days of irrational self hate!!

    • caprinic says:

      Hi Sara, huge congratulations on your pregnancy! Please don’t worry. I know that’s easier said than done and the worry is fully justified knowing what we know but I think every woman needs to believe that their pregnancy will develop positively. I certainly felt that way. If I do become pregnant again then I do think this experience will shape my feelings in that I’ll be more anxious and probably won’t be able to fully enjoy it but it is what it is. Thank you for taking the time to read and leaving such a warm and supportive comment. xx

  12. vivien_noir says:

    This is so beautifully written. If I may, I’d like to take you and your immensely Kind words, even on such hurtful Topics, as my example, guide and model of how I’d like to think and react to harsh Happenings in life myself. You showed me even talking about the worst, about the stirring and disturbing can Sound so soothing and accepting. This shall be the Spirit I’d like to give so much more room in my thoughts and life. Thank you very, very much, deeply. I wish you all the brightness and happiness you Need and deserve!

    • caprinic says:

      Hi Vivien, thank you so much for your heartfelt comment. I’m happy that you found comfort and courage in my words, it means a lot that I may have helped someone else deal with whatever is going on in their life in a way that can support them?sending you much love and light in whatever hardship you are going through✨

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